If you're familiar with The Artist's Way, you know that Morning Pages are private, sort of like a journal, where you empty your mind. Each of us has a lot on our mind right now. I typed this one up and I'm sharing it because I want you to know that I DO care. I steer clear of the heavy topics on social media, mostly because people already have their minds made up. But, if you are someone who is undecided, or genuinely open to discussing, learning and growing, I'm always game to visit with you in-person for some talks. I hope to learn and grow. Anyway, here’s my mind dump for May 28, 2020.

MORNING PAGES

2020 MAY 28

Still overwhelmed and weary. My house is a mess. If I'm having people over on Saturday, I want it to be clean and nice. It's a little "going away" party for Clare. Gonna be weird with the Covid quarantine. I guess there will be no hugs or closeness for the group.

I'm thinking a lot about this George Floyd situation. I normally stay silent on heavy topics. But I don't think I should on this one. It just seems so blatantly wrong. There's something in the eyes of that police officer. It's definitely not love.

My life has been sort of weird for the last 3 years. It's been busy. I bit off more than I could chew. And I've been chewing it, steadily. I haven't choked, but I am definitely weary. I'm weary of the overwhelming "to-do" list. I have a demanding job. I have 2 bands, one of which took off on a nationwide tour last year. And I bought a property that needed extensive work - total renovation. I suppose I should mention that my 23-year marriage ended too. That actually happened first, then the 2nd band and tour and reno project. I don't regret these things. I think it's safe to say the divorce, the tour, and the house projects are the 3 hardest things I've ever done. Well, actually, being stuck in an unfulfilling marriage for 23 years is the hardest thing, but in a different way. These last 3 years of things have been the most costly. Definitely financially costly - no doubt about that. But the bigger cost has been the mental and emotional and spiritual drain. I've had basically no time to sit and clear my head and just think. Yes, this sounds whiny, and it sort of is. And I take ownership. I know these are choices I've made. I could choose to get up early everyday and meditate. Everyday I get up and start thinking - what specific actions should I prioritize today to move me closer to the goal of being caught up? I need to do my job, buy paint, run the electrical wires, replace the rotten boards, install the toilet, schedule the countertop guy, pay the bills, pay the bills, pay the bills, load up for the gig, . . . . .

EVERYDAY

Look, my life is amazing. Truly amazing. I am SO thankful. I've had so much fun along the way, including these last 3 years. The thing I'm reflecting on here is the cost of not having a clear mind, and a clear schedule to sit and think. I also wonder about the cost of neglecting some important relationships. I think I've done pretty good at carving out time (quality and quantity) for my kids. I have no regrets in that area. But important friends (like Dan and Scott and Madeline and others), I've only seen or talked to these guys once or twice in the last year. I know we still love each other, and it's fine. But truly, there is nothing on this earth more important to me than relationships. I'm so thankful for Mack and our time together, in-person and on the phone. What a friend.

But back to "thinking time." There are so many big important topics to ponder. Right now! For today's Morning Pages, I really wanted to focus on this George Floyd thing. I wasn't there. I don't know all the facts of the situation. But there is a video of it that leaves very little to the imagination. George is dead. His life is over. He will never again laugh. He will never again smile. He will never again get the warm feeling of a hug from another human. He won't be able to sing his favorite song, or eat his favorite food. It's over. It's over for George. And it wasn't an accident. His life was taken away from him. Out of the clear blue. It was taken away.

I know there are thousands of great men and women serving our communities as police officers. With sincere hearts, they are doing their best to protect, and maintain peace and order across the land. There are also some mentally ill people out there who crave power and domination, and they choose the Police career to live that out. The officer who sat on George's neck and killed him - I don't know him. We've never met. I don't know his heart. But I've seen the look in his eyes as he went about his "work." Sure, I could invest more time trying to learn about that man, maybe even drive to Minneapolis and get to know him and his people. But I'm not going to. I'm going to use the intuition that has developed over my lifetime, and let it guide me. I've seen this man's eyes as he went about his "work." He is not a good man. He is not doing good for his community. He is bad for his community and bad for America. He took George's life.

A couple of my friends posted a link on Facebook to a list of 75 things you can do (as a white person) to help end racism. I read the list. There's a lot of good stuff.

I feel like overcoming racism is largely a generational thing. If I grow up and become enlightened, I can leave behind the prejudices that my ancestors had. So one big specific step for me has been encouraging my kids to leave the south, and go off to college where diversity exists. They've both done that. Couldn't they get a better value on a college degree at a local tech school? Of course! If we're looking at the simple math, sure. $XX for the degree and $XX for the resulting career path. But there is so much more at stake. I am convinced that meeting people from all walks of life moves a person towards enlightenment. I want that for my kids. I want that for the next generation of America. Do we really have to fight and bicker all the time?? Can't we get to know each other, and understand each other, and find peace?

I hope so.

p.s.
I have twin daughters that are 19 years old now. I see that they have good friends who are black. I know they love people regardless of skin color. Somehow that makes me feel proud. Like maybe I did something right in raising them. Today, I decided to ask one of them if I did enough. “Hey, I want to ask you a question. Was the way you were raised . . . . . . . . . , nevermind. I know the answer.”

Tears filled my eyes. I didn’t do enough. And right now, I know that.

GEORGE - YOU DID NOT DIE IN VAIN! WE ARE GOING TO DO BETTER!

RSF